Monday 30 May 2011

One Man Star Wars Trilogy



One Man Star Wars Trilogy at Worthing's Pavilion Theatre 24th May 2011


I really didn't know what to expect from this as I'd never seen a One Man Show before that wasn't a stand up comedian. The reason I decided to see this particular show is that my cinema buddy (who is a HUGE Star Wars fan) won tickets to see the show and asked me to go. Mainly because I also like Star Wars and also because I knew how to get to the theatre.

It was touch and go at the start as the One Man (Charles Ross) does the music as well as acting out the scenes and I was a little uncertain at this point if he was just insane. But as he got into his routine the show picked up it's pace and started to flow. The laughs came thick and fast with his whiny impersonation of Luke (spot on), his cocksure version of Han (complete with swagger) and his continually unimpressed and annoyed Leia (complete with hands in place of hair buns).  

Each film is over and done with in 20 minutes, which obviously means a lot is cut out, but the genius of it is that you don't really feel like anything's been missed. Empire's opening sequence with the Wampa is done so well, as is Luke's first meeting with Yoda. Han and Leia's first kiss is hilarious when played out by one person and even the lightsabre duels are sound, action and word perfect. 

The most impressive part for me was the start of Return of the Jedi when Ross spoke using the exact language of Jabba and the Gamorrean Guard. His Jabba was honestly superb. I was also very impressed by the use of the Pavilion Theatre's mirror ball during the Death Star explosions. Considering this was a show with no props, this was put to fantastic effect. 

I think my favourite moment came during Ross's re-enaction of Return of the Jedi, when Luke confirms to Leia that she's his sister on the planet Endor, and she kisses him goodbye. At this point Ross turns to the audience and says "if there's one thing we've learnt from Star Wars, it's 'don't kiss your sister like that'!'"

An excellent show which I would highly recommend to any Star Wars fan. Or to non Star Wars fans, as we had someone in our audience who'd never seen a Star Wars film! How one man can encompass all of these characters amazes me. I wish him every success and will happily pay to see him if he tours these parts again. 



Friday 27 May 2011

The Hangover Part II


Anyone who reads my tumblr blog will know that when I went up north recently, I queued some items on that blog to keep my readers entertained while I was away.

The theme of this queue was 'Films I was looking forward to seeing in May'. For anyone who doesn't read my tumblr blog, those films were; Water For Elephants, Something Borrowed, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and The Hangover Part II. Of all of those films I think The Hangover Part II was the one I was most looking forward to. 

The first Hangover film introduced me to the hotness of Bradley Cooper and was one of the rarest things in movies, it was a comedy that actually made me laugh. Several times as I recall. It's not that I don't have a sense of humor, it's just rare for comedies to make me laugh out loud. So that was all I wanted from the sequel, Bradley to still be hot and some laughs. Skip to the end if you want to find out if that's what I got.

For everyone else I will give a brief run down of the story. Stu (Ed Helms) is getting married (again) and takes the three best friends that anyone could have - Doug (Justin Bartha), Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) - as well as his wife-to-be's brother Teddy (Mason Lee) to Bangkok for his bachelor party. They all get wasted and three of the five - Stu, Phil and Alan - wake up in a room they don't recognise and apparently missing two of their group. Doug soon checks in safe and sound (unlike last time) which means Teddy is missing. A frantic re-tracing of steps ensues to try and locate the missing brother in law to be.

Sound familiar? It ought to because the producers of The Hangover Part II seem to think that the key to a successful sequel is to rip off the first film completely. It's an almost identical film to the first, the only difference is the setting and the missing person. Oh and they swapped a Tiger for a Monkey. Whup-de-do.

Yes Bradley is still hot, but I was so disappointed with how bland the film was, I barely noticed. The jokes are all the same as the first time around, Stu even sings a jaunty song and yes, even Mike Tyson makes another pointless appearance. All of the scenes which made the first Hangover so unique and funny are now played out in such a glaringly obvious way that you can see the punchline coming long before the joke's been told. The only upside for me was that Mr Chow, who everyone seemed to love last time out (but who really annoyed me), was actually a lot funnier and a lot less annoying this time. 

Easily the most disappointing of all the films I wanted to see this month. 6.5 out of 10.


Viewing Date - 26th May 2011
UK Release Date - 26th May 2011

Cast Overview:
Bradley Cooper ~ Phil
Ed Helms ~ Stu
Zach Galifianakis ~ Alan
Justin Bartha ~ Doug
Ken Jeong ~ Mr Chow
Paul Giamatti ~ Kingsley
Mason Lee ~ Teddy
Jamie Chung ~ Lauren

Director ~ Todd Phillips
Writer(s) ~ Craig Mazin, Scot Armstrong and Todd Phillips


Thursday 26 May 2011

Heathers


'Why are you reviewing another old movie?' I hear you cry. 'I thought this blog was only reviewing new movies'. Au contraire, mon ami! This is a blog that reviews every film I see at the cinema this year. And yes, I was lucky enough to finally, after all these years of it being one of my favourite films, got to see Heathers at the cinema. 

Anyone who's read my reviews of Blue Valentine or The Princess Bride will know that one of my favourite places in London is the Prince Charles Cinema (http://www.princecharlescinema.com/). I previously stated that "one of the reasons I love that cinema so much is that they show quirky independent films on general release as well as special screenings of older classics, such as this". Sometimes I'm just so eloquent!

For anyone who hasn't seen it/heard of it (shame on you!), Heathers is the story of Veronica (Winona Ryder), who is a member of the most popular clique in Westerberg High. The other three girls in the clique all happen to share the name Heather and are all vile in their own special way. When Veronica meets the rebellious J.D (Christian Slater) she immediately recognises how alike they are and together they wreak havoc on the school. First by plotting the demise of the lead Heather (Kim Walker) and then the two school jocks Kurt and Ram (Lance Fenton and Patrick Labyorteaux). They disguise the murders they carry out as suicides and soon the whole school is trying to get in on the act and follow the cool kids way out. Unbeknown to the students of Westerberg High, J.D is already planning the way out for everybody.

Does J.D blow up the school? Will Veronica and J.D end up living happily ever after? Well if you haven't already seen Heathers I'm certainly not going to spoil it for you. You will simply have to buy (Amazon - http://tinyurl.com/3bwlstq) or rent (LoveFilm - http://tinyurl.com/3z3dwxh) it and find out for yourself! 


What I will say is that Heathers is a film that turned the 80's teen movies on their head. Before Heathers, Hollywood was making films like The Breakfast Club and Pretty In Pink, and after it, Hollywood got a sense of irony! There are fantastic performances from all involved and more quotable lines than you can shake a stick at. 


An almost perfect movie. Certainly one of the best films of the 80's. 9.5 out of 10.

*Below is the best trailer I could find for Heathers but it's under the foreign title Lethal Attraction (which I'm sure we all agree is a terrible title!). I wish I could find the Channel 4 advert for Heathers (tried You Tube but I couldn't see it) from when they showed it as part of an 80's movie season with Stand By Me and Cry Baby - it was a brilliant advert and had an amazing rhyme which I can't quite remember...*

Four little girls, not as they should,
three of them were bad, one of them was good,
along came a guy looking for some fun,
he took the good girl and gave her a gun...

(If anyone has this advert or remembers the rhyme, let me know coz it's honestly driving me mad that I can't remember!)


Viewing Date - 23rd May 2011
Original UK Release Date - 17th November 1989 (I was 8)

Cast Overview:

Winona Ryder ~ Veronica
Christian Slater ~ J.D.
Shannen Doherty ~ Heather Duke
Lisanne Falk ~ Heather McNamara
Kim Walker ~ Heather Chandler
Penelope Milford ~ Pauline Fleming
Glenn Shadix ~ Father Ripper
Lance Fenton ~ Kurt Kelly
Patrick Labyorteaux ~ Ram Sweeney 
Carrie Lynn ~ Martha Dunnstock aka Dumptruck

Director ~ Michael Lehmann
Writer ~ Daniel Waters

Sunday 22 May 2011

Julia's Eyes

No Official Website but you can find out more at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1512685/

Julia's Eyes is not the most typical of film choices for me. Firstly because I'd never heard of it, and secondly because I'd never heard of any of the actors involved. But after experiencing the happy surprise of Attack The Block, a film I really didn't want to see, I thought 'why not'? I watched the trailer and found the idea quite intriguing and so decided to give it a shot.

The film opens with the shocking murder of a blind woman, Sara (Belen Rueda). Unfortunately for her, the murder is carried out in such a way as to imply she committed suicide. Her twin sister Julia (also played by Belen Rueda), thinks something is amiss and starts to investigate the mysterious end to her sisters life. She starts by attempting to discover the identity of a man who was spending a lot of time with her sister, though strangely, nobody seems to have seen him. All of this is made increasingly difficult by the degeneration of Julia's sight, as she has the same disorder as her sister and starts to go blind from the stress of the situation.  

Julia's Eyes was made in Spain and has English subtitles but don't let that put you off. This was a sharply directed film, especially considering the amount of scenes that are kept to the shadows. I particularly loved the final scene, which is  filmed in almost complete darkness, but which is lit by a camera flash which goes off every couple of seconds. Very clever and very eerie as you don't know what you'll see the next time the flash goes off. 

My only problem with the film was the number of plot twists in the final 30 minutes. The film makers were clearly trying to throw the audience off the scent of the killer, but I found it confused matters more than was necessary. 

This is a complex thriller which will keep you hooked until the credits roll. 7 out of 10.


Viewing Date - 20th May 2011
UK Release Date - 20th May 2011

Cast Overview:
Belen Rueda ~ Julia/Sara
Lluis Homar ~ Isaac
Pablo Derqui ~ Ivan
Francesc Orella ~ Inspector Dimas

Director ~ Guillem Morales 
Writer(s) ~ Guillem Morales and Orioi Paulo

Friday 20 May 2011

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides


Like most fans of Pirates Of The Caribbean, I was looking forward to and dreading this fourth installment in equal measure. Unlike most fans, I was dreading it because of the omission of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly and the addition of Penelope Cruz. Also unlike most fans, my favourite of the former trilogy was actually the last film, At World's End.

So I approached these strange tides with trepidation and tried to critique the film on it's own merits. After all, a sequel where two of the main stars have bowed out is surely not a sequel but a separate film altogether?

On Stranger Tides is set almost immediately after the last film. Though confusingly, it's set immediately after the events of the main film, not after the events featured in the scene after the end credits (which was set 10 years in the future). Still with me? If not here's a recap: At the end of At World's End, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) has again lost his beloved ship, The Black Pearl, to his sparring partner Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). However, wily Captain Jack has stolen the map leading to the Fountain of Youth and sets off to find it in a little dinghy. In this film he is still searching for said fountain and we follow his adventures as he comes sword to sword with his own impostor (eventually unmasked as Angelica played by Penelope Cruz), encounters vicious Mermaids, crosses paths some more with Captain Barbossa and meets the fearsome Captain Blackbeard (Ian McShane). 

I'll jump right into the critique part of the review and say what I didn't like. Unsurprisingly I missed Orlando and Keira. That's right people, I even missed Keira. It just didn't feel right without them, and I kept hoping against hope that they'd filmed some kind of secret cameo and would appear at any moment. As the credits finally rolled I even hoped that the scene after the credits (and yes Pirates fans, there is one!) would belong to them. Sadly it did not. Instead, the producers have filled the gaping hole left by their characters with a whole bunch of unnecessary new ones. The missionary, Philip (played by Sam Clafin), is insipid and goofy looking (sorry but he is!) and the Mermaid just didn't cut it. As for Penelope, the boys will love her, but I just found her to be all boobs and big hair and not much else.

What I liked about it was that the lack of Will and Elizabeth allowed Captain Jack more room to shine, and that he did. The introduction of Angelica (annoying as she was) meant that for the first time we got to really see Jack use his charm on a woman. As much as I love Johnny Depp as an actor, I've never really understood the attraction to Jack Sparrow the character. However, I can see it this time around, as you get to see Jack more as a lover in this film than a wild eyed Pirate (although you get plenty of that too). As much as I could have done without Penelope I will at least say that she and Johnny had chemistry and it was nice to see Jack sparring with a feisty woman for once.

*Minor Spoiler Alert*
As usual I don't want to spoil the film for anyone but I must say that I *LOVED* Judi Dench's cameo in the film. I thought it was truly inspired and it looked like she had a blast filming it. Also, for anyone planning to take young kiddies to see this, the Mermaid attack is quite scary!

In summary, I found this installment to be a tad too long, the quest too unimportant, the 3D to be rather ineffective and pointless and on the whole, rather blah. It may be time for Captain Jack to relinquish his Captaincy before there's a mutiny from the fans. 7 out of 10.


Viewing Date - 18th May 2011
UK Release Date - 18th May 2011

Cast Overview:
Johnny Depp ~ Captain Jack Sparrow
Penelope Cruz ~ Angelica
Geoffrey Rush ~ Captain Hector Barbossa
Ian McShane ~ Captain Blackbeard
Kevin McNally ~ Joshamee Gibbs
Sam Clafin ~ Philip
Astrid Berges-Frisbey ~ Syrena

Director ~ Rob Marshall
Writer(s) ~ Ted Elliott (Screenplay, Screen Story and Characters), Terry Rossio (Screenplay, Screen Story and Characters), Stuart Beattie (Characters), Jay Wolpert (Characters) and Tim Powers (Novel 'On Stranger Tides')


Monday 16 May 2011

Home Is Where The Heart Is

My regular readers will know that I recently went back up north to spend the 'Royal Wedding' bank holiday weekend with my friends and family in Lancashire.


My time up north is always a mixed bag of emotions as I love getting to see everyone up there, but it also makes me remember why I left. There is usually at least one argument with my mum and you can guarantee I will spend the first few moments in my mum's flat tidying up, opening windows and trying to find somewhere to sit. 

This trip was no exception.

The nice addition to this trip was that I also spent a really lovely day at a barbeque at my sisters house. My sister has learning difficulties and lives in a shared house with other girls with similar disabilities. Her carer had invited mum and I to attend the barbeque they had planned in aid of the Royal Wedding. But they'd kept my visit as a surprise for my sis and so my arrival generated a huge smile on my sisters face. She came running in and gave me a hug. For anyone who doesn't know my sister, she's not a very affectionate person and so this was a nice surprise for me to have been received this way. 

We spent the day in the garden with fantastic food, even better company, lots of laughs and most surprisingly for Lancashire, the sun even made an appearance!


The next day was my girlie day with my oldest bestest friend. Who funnily enough (as I've just been talking about my sis) I consider more to be my sister than my friend. This is mainly because I've known her forever. We went to infant school together and instantly became best friends. I have fond memories of taking all of my barbies to her house in a bin bag and sitting in the boot of her mums huge car with her dog. She has fond memories of getting to pick children out of our class to accompany her when she visited me in hospital (she got to pick because she was my best friend). 

We spent the day having lunch out, then going on a 4 mile walk around the country roads by her house. We ended the evening by going to her (our) sisters house for dinner and a movie. It was a perfect evening filled with lots of singing, drinking and laughter.


If I'm honest (the backlash will start here), Sunday was the day I'd been most looking forward to as this was the day I was going to see my nephews, my big brother and my sister in law. I find it quite hard to describe my feelings towards my nephews as I hate children (as anyone who knows me will confirm) but I love those boys beyond compare. My young nephew, Riley, doesn't just make me smile. He makes my heart smile. The imagination on those boys puts me to shame, and I'm a writer!

"Aunty Kath" Riley says, and he always waits for me to say "Yes Riley?" then he'll continue to tell me something he did since he last saw me. "Aunty Kath" he says, then waits for me, "Yes Riley?" then he'll tell me how he got a battle scar falling off his scooter. "Aunty Kath" he says, always waiting to make sure he has my full attention. He always has my full attention. I'm pretty sure he always will. 

So Sunday rocked as not only did I get to spend the day with my loving and very supportive family, I also got to accompany my young nephew to his first showing of a 3D film. And not just any 3D film. I happened to be invited to watch the mighty Thor who my nephew loves! I asked him what he scored it out of 10. He thought for a moment "16!" he shouted excitedly. Then later "20 out of 10!" He said I could quote him on that so it went in my review.


My last day was marred by a 24 hour bug I'd somehow picked up but I refuse to let it dampen what was an otherwise fantastic weekend. I'd say that I wish every weekend could be like that, but then I'd have to admit defeat and move back to Lancashire and that's not going to happen. Sussex is my home now but there is a big piece of my heart that's shared amongst the family I left up north. I hope they're keeping it safe until I see them again.

Sunday 15 May 2011

Attack The Block


Those who regularly accompany me to the cinema will know that I wasn't all that interested in seeing Attack The Block. For whatever reason, the trailer just didn't grab me. The thing that changed my mind was finding out that it was written and directed by Joe Cornish, who I've been a fan of since his Adam and Joe days.

Bearing this in mind I decided to give the film a go, feeling a kind of obligation to Mr Cornish to support him in this new and exciting venture.

The film is set in a saaaf laandaan (South London) block of flats and begins with the mugging of one of the block's residents. The teenage gang who commit the crime then witness an alien landing and decide to investigate. The alien in question is a vicious little blighter and after scarring the lead gang member the teens decide to teach it a lesson. Unsurprisingly the kids give the alien a kicking and the result is it's death. In retaliation their block is then invaded by even bigger, hairier and scarier creatures who are out for redemption. So it's up to the kids to defend the block and stop the aliens from killing the residents, which include the nurse they mugged at the start of the night.

I can't tell you how pleased I am that I gave this film a chance as it didn't disappoint. The trailer plays it for laughs and although the film does have some laughs (and all of the youf speak I was 'spectin innit bro!) it's also surprisingly scary. The alien effects, for what I would imagine was a modestly budgeted British film, were really very good and much scarier than they appear in the trailer. The great thing for me (take note Battle: Los Angeles, here's where you can learn something!) was that by the end of the film, you did know what the aliens looked like. You get several really good shots of the aliens in the closing moments. And they looked impressively real. 

The script was what you would expect for an inner city gang movie, so I can't say it was great, but then I guess the fact that they spoke so realistically means it actually was great? The thing I was most impressed with was the direction. There are some really fantastic shots in the film, the one that stayed with me, and made me almost hide under my coat, was the shot of all the aliens climbing up the front of the block (but I think that's because it's a genuine nightmare of mine to have aliens in a real setting like that). For a first time director I was genuinely impressed (and a little proud). There were also a few nice nods to Joe's heroes in the biz - in particular, the scene where the teens go looking for the alien on their bikes made me think of ET - and it was good to see his friends Nick Frost, Nira Park and Edgar Wright all leant a helping hand to the film.

I don't want to say much more because I would really like this film to do well, not only for the British Film Industry, but because it's a good British film for once and I'd like people to go and see it.

Highly recommended for horror fans, British film fans and anyone who likes to be surprised every once in a while. 8 out of 10.



Viewing Date - 15th May 2011
UK Release Date - 13th Maty 2011

Cast Overview: 
Jodie Whittaker ~ Sam
John Boyega ~ Moses
Alex Esmail ~ Pest
Franz Drameh ~ Dennis
Leeon Jones ~ Jerome
Simon Howard ~ Biggz
Sammy Williams ~ Probs
Michael Ajao ~ Mayhem
Jumayn Hunter ~ Hi-Hatz
Luke Treadaway ~ Brewis
Paige Meade ~ Dimples
Danielle Vitalis ~ Tia
and Nick Frost ~ Ron

Director and Writer ~ Joe Cornish

Wednesday 11 May 2011

Something Borrowed


One of my favourite films of 2009 was He's Just Not That Into You. In fact, I would go so far as to say it's one of the best romantic comedies ever made. It was so refreshing and different and while it had the obligatory happy ending it didn't end that way for everyone involved. It also showcased the talents of Ginnifer Goodwin and I've been dying to see what she would do next. 


As it turns out, she's not done an awful lot. Some bit parts in movies here and there but I guess she mostly dedicates her time to her part on TV show Big Love, which I must confess I haven't seen. I missed the first series and have been meaning to 'lovefilm' it but haven't yet gotten around to it. I hear it's very good though and that Ms Goodwin is amazing in it. This doesn't surprise me.


So you can imagine how excited I was when I saw the trailer for Something Borrowed. In the film we meet Rachel (Goodwin), who's best friend Darcy (Kate Hudson) is about to marry Dex (Colin Egglesfield). This is great news if you overlook the fact that Dex happens to be the person Rachel has had a crush on since they were at Law School together. Following some late night drinking on the night of Rachel's surprise 30th birthday party, she ends up sleeping with Dex and has to wrestle with the idea of breaking up her two best friends, thus securing her own happiness, or keeping schtum and remaining single and unhappy.


I have to admit that Something Borrowed has suffered somewhat from being the next big film on Ginnifer Goodwin's resume, following He's Just Not That Into You. It's not as original, funny or heartfelt as her previous rom-com. But putting comparisons aside it is still (occasionally) funny and entertaining. It just doesn't really stand out that much from other rom-coms we've already seen. 


Kate Hudson makes the most of playing the annoying best friend role again, as she did so well in Bride Wars, and made me so thankful that my own best friends would never treat me the way her character Darcy treats Rachel. Goodwin, finally getting a starring role, really holds the film together a treat as the girl who always has to play second fiddle to her attention seeking best friend. I also really enjoyed John Krasinski in the role of mutual friend Ethan. His character was the source of most of the films funnier scenes, but it was his portrayal of the friend who never gets the girl that made him memorable for me. The character I was most disappointed with was Dex. I should point out that this is aimed at the character and not so much the actor, newcomer Colin Egglesfield, as I think he was just written to be very weak and I can't see why either of these women would fight over him? 


So to sum up, an enjoyable if not particularly thought provoking way to spend a few hours. Just don't expect too much. 7 out of 10.




Viewing Date - 7th May 2011
UK Release Date - 6th May 2011

Cast Overview:

Ginnifer Goodwin ~ Rachel
Kate Hudson ~ Darcy
Colin Egglesfield ~ Dex
John Krasinski ~ Ethan
Steve Howey ~ Marcus
Ashley Williams ~ Claire

Director ~ Luke Greenfield
Writer(s) ~ Jennie Snyder (Screenplay) and Emily Giffin (Novel)





Tuesday 10 May 2011

I Hate Red

As my friends and family have received such a great response to their short stories that have been posted on my blog, I have been asked to post another short story written by a very good friend of mine. 

The story was written back in 2002 as an exercise for a writing course. In my humble opinion it turned out very well and I personally enjoyed reading it. 

I hope you do too!


I Hate Red

By Blair Holmes

Fiona hated the colour red, she always had. In her mind it was the worst colour imaginable, after all blood was red and that wasn't nice stuff.

"Why do I have to wear this?" She shouted from inside her bedroom.
"Don't argue with me, you know your grandparents like you in that dress. They bought you that for Christmas," snapped her mother.

Fiona sighed as she looked in the mirror. 'I hate red,' she muttered as she walked out of her room stamping her feet loudly against the floorboards.

Fiona's mother stood at the front door. "Ah, you look beautiful," she said as her daughter walked down the stairs.

No I don't, thought Fiona. All I need is a pair of Ruby slippers, then I'll look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

"Now remember, give your grandparents a kiss from me," said her mother as she handed Fiona a basket full of food and gifts.
"Yes mum," she whispered. She daren't mention her dress this close to her mother's right hook.

As she walked off along the path she glanced back and saw her mother waving at her. Fiona gave her mother a quick wave, and then continued on her journey towards the forest.

The sun was high in the sky, and there was a gentle breeze, which blew through her long brown hair. As she entered the forest she saw a huntsman standing in the long grass, his binoculars fixed to his eyes.

"Hello," Fiona called out.
The huntsman placed his finger to his lips, "Shh," he whispered.
"What are you hunting?" She asked softly.
"Bigfoot." Replied the huntsman.

Fiona almost burst out laughing, but instead she just smiled and continued along the path.

As Fiona walked along she began humming a tune from one of her favourite pop bands. She was so engrossed that she hadn't even noticed that something was following her. 

Suddenly it jumped out in front of her.

Fiona froze, as there, large as life, stood a wolf, it's huge eyes popping out of their sockets in delight of seeing this tasty snack.

"That's a nice tune," said the wolf, "What's your name, little one?"
"Fiona," she replied calmly, this was an enchanted forest after all, so she wasn't surprised that the wolf could speak.

Now, I should point out that this wasn't your bog standard wolf, the likes of which you see in 'Lassie' and say 'Ah, how cute.' This was a giant among wolves, apart from being able to speak, which you may think quite odd, it was also well over six feet tall. It's teeth sharp and threatening. And this particular wolf was very skinny, and looked terribly, terribly hungry.

It could have easily gobbled up Fiona there and then. But instead it continued to speak.

"Where would you be going on such a nice day?" asked the wolf?
What a stupid wolf, thought Fiona, why doesn't it just shut up and eat me?
"I'm going to my grandparents cottage, on the other side of the forest. And I have brought some food and some gifts for them too."
The wolf sniffed the basked of goodies.
"Smells good," it said, "well, I would love to stay and chat, but I seem to have pressing and tasy business elsewhere."
And without saying another word, the wolf strutted off through the long grass.

The clearing, in which Fiona's grandparents cottage stood, was quiet and picturesque. There was a pond on one side, and a small wooden fence surrounding the cottage. Smoke gently puffed out of the chimney, and the smell of a Sunday roast filled the air.

That's odd, grandpa is usually asleep on that deck chair right about now, thought Fiona as she walked up to the cottage.

She knocked on the door. There was no answer.

She knocked again, but this time she heard a faint voice calling out.

"Come in, come in," it said.

Great, too lazy to open their door, she thought as she rummaged for the key.

"Ah, there it is," muttered Fiona as she unlocked the door and let herself in.
"Grandma? Grandpa?" She called out.
"In here," said a croaky voice which was coming from the bedroom.

Fiona walked in, and stared at grandma lying in her bed.

"Where's grandpa?" She asked.
"He's popped out," replied grandma, her voice sounding even croakier than before.

Fiona looked her grandma up and down. Her feet were sticking out of the end of the bed.

"My, you do have big feet grandma," said Fiona who couldn't remember ever seeing her grandma's feet before.
"All the better for walking," replied grandma, "now, what have you brought in your basket?"

Fiona walked around the bed and placed the basket of goodies on the bedside table. Then she looked round at her grandma , and almost jumped back in shock.

She looked a lot worse that normal, and she definitely needed a shave.  I'm not kissing that, she thought remembering what her mother had said.

"My, what big eyes you've got," said Fiona, noticing grandma's eyes bulging in their sockets.
"All the better to see you with," replied grandma.
"My, what big teeth you've got," said Fiona, taking a step back.
"All the better for eating you with,"
Fiona gasped as she recognised the voice of the wolf she'd met earlier.

Suddenly, before Fiona had a chance to move, the wolf leapt out of the bed and gobbled her up in one loud gulp.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, the huntsman was still searching for Bigfoot. Quietly he crept along, staying in the shadows of the trees, unheard, unseen. The wind ruffled his short dark hair. His ears seemed to twitch with every sound of the forest.

There, something moved, he thought as he quickly ducked down in the long grass.

He looked through his binoculars then quickly dropped them in surprise. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, and again looked through his binoculars, just to make sure he hadn't dreamt it.

That's odd, why would a wolf be wearing a nightgown? And such and ugly one too?

Silently he followed, curious of where the strange looking wolf was gong. The wolf was extraordinarily fat and rather slow, so it was easy for the huntsman to keep up.

The sun was quite low in the sky as he continued to follow the wolf out of the forest.

This would make a splendid trophy, thought the huntsman, imagining what the villagers would say when he brought home a wolf that size.

Suddenly he realised that the wolf was out of sight, oh no, where's it gone, he thought. He looked left and right, up and down, but it was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh great, I've lost another hunt," muttered the huntsman.
"May I ask what you were hunting?" Asked a voice from behind him.

The huntsman almost jumped out of his skin. He turned around and there stood the wolf. The same wolf he'd been following.

"I, I was hunting you." Said the huntsman with a tremble in his voice.

The wolf laughed.

"You? Such a little man? Hunting Me?" Asked the wolf in mockery. "I'm over twice the size of you! My claws alone are the size of your whole hand! It is me who should be hunting you! In fact, I think I will, I was looking for a dessert." Suddenly the wolf bared all it's teeth, and leapt forward, towards the huntsman.

Quickly, the huntsman jumped out of the way, but he was a fraction too slow. The wolf's claw scrapping against his shoulder.

"Ahhh," he screamed, feeling a cold pain run down his arm.

He glanced around and lifted his rifle with his good arm.

The wolf ran towards him. He fired a shot which slowed the wolf down but didn't stop him. The wolf continued to charge. The huntsman reloaded his gun and fired again. This time the wolf stumbled and then collapsed on top of the huntsman.

He could smell it's last breath as he crawled out from underneath it. Exhaused, he lay down beside the wolf, resting his head against the beast's chest.

Startled, he looked up. He could swear that he heard voices coming from inside the wolf. 

Must be hearing things, he thought as he rested his head back against the beast's chest. But again he could hear voices. 

This time he got out his hunting knife, and carefully opened up the dead creature.

The huntsman couldn't believe his eyes as there in front of him stood Fiona, her grandma and her grandpa, all covered completely in a mixture of blood and red berries, which the wolf had eaten earlier that day.

"I HATE RED," screamed Fiona at the top of her voice. 

And never again, did her grandparents buy her anything that was the colour red.