Real Steel

http://www.steelgetsreal.co.uk/

I wasn't especially grabbed by the idea of Real Steel, nor did any of the trailers particularly impress me, but Hugh Jackman is more than watchable and it looked at least like it would be a slightly different take on the boxing genre.


You see Real Steel is set in the near future when boxing is strictly carried out by robots. A former 'real' boxer, Charlie (Hugh Jackman), has fallen on hard times as yet another of his boxers gets KO'd, meaning he has to fork out for a new robot. Luck comes his way in the form of his estranged 11 year old son Max (Dakota Goyo). Charlie figures he can get money from Max's rich aunt and uncle who want to formally adopt Max, if he takes care of the kid over the summer. What he didn't figure was that the kid would discover a robot unlike any other and that together, they could take on the heavyweights of the boxing world, and have a shot at winning.

I really wanted to like Real Steel, and partially I did. It's an innovative way of looking at the boxing world, robot boxers, but that's also kinda where it fails. The biggest problem I had (and I don't think I'm alone here) with films like Iron Man and Transformers were the metal on metal fights. It just gets boring after a while. And unfortunately, this is where Real Steal takes a turn for the Zzzzzzzzzz's.

But I can't be too harsh on it because despite the fights being a little on the boring side, and the human story having been told a million times before, I did find it overall to be endearing and the characters likable enough to root for.


The central story is not that original but it's well played. The two worlds, which you wouldn't think would gel all that well together - one of Charlie trying to take care of his kid for the first time, stepping up to the plate so to speak, and one of robot boxing - do actually work as one story. The fights just got a little dull for me by the end of the film.


If you're a fan of boxing movies or not-too-heavy family dramas you might enjoy Real Steel. 7 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 23rd October 2011

UK Release Date - 14th October 2011

Cast Overview:

Hugh Jackman ~ Charlie Kenton

Dakota Goyo ~ Max Kenton

Evangeline Lilly ~ Bailey Tallet

Anthony Mackie ~ Finn

Kevin Durand ~ Ricky

Hope Davis ~ Aunt Debra

James Rebhorn ~ Marvin

Director ~ Shawn Levy

Writer(s) ~ John Gatins (Screenplay), Dan Gilroy (Story) and Jeremy Leven (Story)

Contagion

http://contagionmovie.warnerbros.com/index.html

As with last weeks The Three Musketeers I wasn't all that bothered about seeing Contagion but as it had a semi impressive cast and potential to not suck I figured I'd end up seeing it anyway. And see it I did. 

As the title suggests, Contagion is a movie about a virus and how quickly it, as well as fear of it, spreads through towns and cities all over the world. We follow several groups of people as they deal with the virus, a family in Minnisota who lose two members to the unknown and deadly disease, several doctors trying to find a cure, the Center for Disease Control who are having to deal with press as well as trying to learn about the virus and where it came from and a reporter who is trying to stop drug manufacturers from cashing in on the crisis, among others.

Contagion was actually a much better film than the trailer implies. It won't win any awards but the ensemble cast do a fine job of their respective roles and ultimately make the jumble of characters on offer into a bunch people that you care about. Not easy when you have so many big names all vying for a piece of the action.

And speaking of action, I also don't think the film was as horrific as I was expecting from the trailer. The film is only a 12A, which I don't think I realised when I saw the trailer initially, imagining a bit of a gorefest as suggested by some of the scenes shown. Instead it was a film that moved at a steady pace and kept me engaged in watching it and interested to know what was going to happen. 

It had me intrigued from the opening minute as to why the film started on 'day 2' of the outbreak. I won't spoil it but I thought the way they wrapped things up at the end was a clever way to do it and finished things off in a very neat way.

Probably not the best film out this week, but certainly not the worst by a long stretch. 7 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 23rd October 2011

UK Release Date - 21st October 2011

Cast Overview:

Marion Cotillard ~ Dr Leonora Orantes

Matt Damon ~ Mitch Emhoff

Laurence Fishburne ~ Dr Ellis Cheever

Jude Law ~ Alan Krumwiede

Gwyneth Paltrow ~ Beth Emhoff

Kate Winslet ~ Dr Erin Mears

Jennifer Ehle ~ Dr Ally Hextall

Elliott Gould ~ Dr Ian Sussman

Chin Han ~ Sun Feng

John Hawkes ~ Roger

Daria Strokous ~ Irina
Anna Jacoby-Heron ~ Jory Emhoff
Brian J O'Donnell ~ Andrew

Director ~ Steven Soderbergh

Writer ~ Scott Z Burns

The Three Musketeers

http://www.threemusketeers-movie.com/

I want to stress before I start that I really wasn't fussed about seeing The Three Musketeers but I did so for two reasons. 1) It was pretty much the only thing out I didn't mind going to see, everything else I'd either seen or didn't want to see at all. 2) Orlando Bloom.

With that said I think it's best we move swiftly on. The plot is... well rather convoluted if you ask me, but you haven't yet so I'll just tell you the synopsis. *Here is where I google the synopsis because the movie made so little sense and was so boring that I completely forgot in less than a week what the hell it was about* The Three Musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) are down on their luck after being sold out and betrayed by Athos' lover Milady (Milla Jovovich) to the dastardly Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). They get their mojo back when young upstart D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) joins their worthy cause and they go on a mission to help the Queen of France get back some stolen jewels.

Sound boring? That's because it was. So much so that one of my friends fell asleep! Had I not been so bored myself I might have noticed this, and laughed at her. Maybe placed her hand in a drink or taken funny pictures of her asleep in 3D glasses. Any of that would have been infinitely more entertaining than this film.

My cinema buddy saw the film without me and told me that it felt like a badly made TV production. I should have listened to him as he wasn't far off the mark. Where do I start? Athos, supposedly the stud of the group is played by Matthew Macfadyen. No offense to Mr Macfadyen but I will never understand why he keeps getting these types of roles, Darcy, Athos, even The Sheriff of Nottingham, he's not attractive. And he doesn't even have that 'not attractive but still sexy' quality about him. His constant sulky expression could turn milk sour. Luke Evans was more likeable/watchable/sexy in his portrayal of Aramis and Ray Stevenson's Porthos was as jolly and fun as you'd expect. D'Artagnan on the other hand was just annoying and Logan Lerman seemed entirely mis-cast in this role.

Christoph Waltz was his usual self, making good of an average at best/crappy at worst film. Orlando Bloom hammed up proceedings brilliantly and showed why Pirates lacked without him. Final note on the cast, what was with Milla Jovovich's teeth? Were they fake? Coz she looked a bit like a horse and seemed like she was having trouble speaking with them in?

I mean seriously? Look at the photo of her having her make-up touched up on set. She can't even close her mouth! Ridiculous!

Talking of ridiculous, don't get me started on the plot, and the holes that lie within. The main thing about a musketeers movie is surely the sword fights right? Apparently it's all about the airships?? Wha-? The sword fights incidently are quite instantly forgettable. Just like the rest of the film. Oh, if you've not seen the trailer I should tell you that the film was 'shot exclusively in 3D'. It really didn't need to be.

Avoid. And if my review came too late and you already saw the film, I can only apologise. 5* out of 10. 

*It's really a 4 but it gets an extra point for Orlando and his amazing hair! :0)

Viewing Date - 16th October 2011

UK Release Date - 12th October 2011

Cast Overview:

Matthew Macfadyen ~ Athos

Luke Evans ~ Aramis

Ray Stevenson ~ Porthos

Logan Lerman ~ D'Artagnan

Orlando Bloom ~ Duke of Buckingham

Milla Jovovich ~ Milady de Winter

Christoph Waltz ~ Cardinel Richelieu

Mads Mikkelsen ~ Rochefort

Freddie Fox ~ King Louis XIII of France

Juno Temple ~ Queen of France

James Corden ~ Planchet

Gabriella Wilde ~ Constance

Director ~ Paul W S Anderson

Writer(s) ~ Alex Litvak (Screenplay), Andrew Davies (Screenplay) and Alexandre Dumas (Novel "Les Trois Mousquetaires")

Still An Emotional Wreck After 17 Years

I was not intending to write a personal blog tonight. I have a review that I need to write and as I'm doing overtime at work I was just supposed to be relaxing tonight. But I feel so very odd right now that I couldn't not put it down. I received a text from my brother earlier tonight that read:

"They're releasing River Phoenix's last film."

He didn't need to say any more. I immediately knew what he was talking about. But I needed to know where he'd gotten this information from. He informed me it was on BBC Entertainment News http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-15369725 if anyone else wants to read it.

I have so many emotions from this news that I honestly don't know what I feel. I'm excited to see a film I've known about and wanted to see desperately for 17 years of my life, but I'm also upset because I feel like I'm 13 all over again and my heart is breaking. I'm hopeful that the final film will be a fitting tribute but I'm anxious that it will still feel unfinished. Most of all I'm sad that my best friend is not here to see this day and won't be able to come and watch this with me. 

I've blogged about River before so I'm not going to drone on. Just felt like I needed to share. 

Like Crazy

http://www.likecrazy.com/

It seems unreal to me that I'm writing this review. I first found the trailer for Like Crazy last month and instantly wanted to watch the film. I went to IMDb for more information and it said it had already been released in the UK in February this year. Counting the months off on my fingers I decided it therefore must be available on DVD but scouring Amazon, Play.com and Ebay and finding nothing soon made me very confused. I tried to find information anywhere I could. Pretty much all I could see was that it had won the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival. Great. Further proof that this film was amazing but where could I see it??

Eventually I checked back with IMDb and it had changed its story. It was now saying the film was coming out on 3rd Feb 2012 over here. Maybe I mis-read it the first time but I was sure it had said it'd already come out. Anyway, a couple of weeks later a booklet was dropped on my desk at work advertising the BFI London Film Festival and low and behold, they were showing Like Crazy. One frantic visit to the website later revealed that both showings were sold out. 

I rang them a week later and managed to get one solitary ticket. But I wanted to go with my best friend and explained this to the nice man. He told me they almost always have tickets on the day so we went to London on the off chance that we would be able to get her a ticket. And we did! Hurrah! 

The film starts off as your typical girl meets boy, the girl is british student Anna (Felicity Jones), who is studying at a college in Los Angeles. The boy is fellow student Jacob (Anton Yelchin). The pair fall so in love that Anna decides to stay in LA after student visa has expired. She returns to the UK a few months later but when she tries to re-enter the states she is denied entry because she violated her previous visa. And so follows a story of two people trying to make it work under the pressure of great distance. 

Having never been in a long distance relationship myself I can't comment on whether this is an accurate portrayal of one. But I can say that it seems more realistic than most I've seen. The performances from the two leads are mature (for such young actors) and thoughtful. I know from articles that I read (when I was trying to find out more information) that most of the dialogue was improvised which just speaks volumes about how they seem to have really taken the time to create these characters, rather than just taking their cue from the writer/director. I also thought Jennifer Lawrence's performance, although a much smaller role, was heartbreaking.

The only thing I would change is the very abrupt ending which left one person sitting near me to ask 'do you think there'll be a sequel?' The answer is no, I don't think there will. The message at the end was very clear to me. But that doesn't mean it had to end there. I could have happily watched for another 15-30 minutes as you get so wrapped up in these characters lives that you want nothing but things between them to work out. 

This is a film which will no doubt get a lot of critical praise but which probably won't get a nationwide release in order to get the audience numbers that will make it a hit. If it comes to an independent cinema near you I urge you to seek it out and go see it. 9 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 15th October 2011

UK Release Date - 3rd February 2012 (subject to change!)

Cast Overview:

Anton Yelchin ~ Jacob

Felicity Jones ~ Anna

Jennifer Lawrence ~ Sam

Charlie Bewley ~ Simon

Alex Kingston ~ Jackie

Oliver Muirhead ~ Bernard

Director ~ Drake Doremus

Writer(s) ~ Drake Doremus and Ben York Jones

The Lion King

http://www.disney.co.uk/lionking/index.jsp

I have long been a fan of Disney, from classic Disney when I saw Bambi at the cinema as a child, all the way through to their recent collaborations with Pixar. But one of the Disney films I had never seen was The Lion King. This has shocked a lot of people I know as The Lion King is not only regarded as one of the best Disney films, it's also all about lions. Which I love.

So when I heard that The Lion King was being re-released at the cinema in 3D I knew I had to take the opportunity to finally see it.

*synopsis contains spoilers*

The story, for those unfamiliar, is of Simba, a lion cub born to the lion king Mufasa on Pride Rock in Africa. He is a mischievous cub, always getting into scrapes, until one day his father is killed trying to save him from a wildebeest stampeed. Convinced by his uncle Scar that he should leave Pride Rock to avoid the shame of his actions, Simba runs away vowing never to return. He soon collapses from the heat in the wastelands and is rescued by a meerkat named Timon and a warthog named Pumbaa who teach him their philosophy of 'hakuna matata' which means no worries. All is well with the three of them until one day when a lioness called Nala tries to kill Pumbaa. Simba soon realises this is the lioness he grew up with and she convinces him to return to his homeland and face up to his uncle who has run the kingdom into the ground.

I have to say that I wasn't all that impressed with The Lion King. I wanted to see it for so many years and I really wanted to love it. I thought the animation was excellent but the story left something to be desired. And considering my love of lions I feel that says quite a lot. I thought the middle section with Timon and Pumbaa was the most aimed at children and as such, the least enjoyable for me. I couldn't help but feel if I'd seen it when I was younger I might've liked it more.

I also found the voice actors very distracting. Whereas Disney/Pixar tend to go for unknown or character actors now, it seems back then they went for the most recognisable voices possible. *If you don't know who the voice actors are and don't want to know, don't read the rest of this.* The most recognisable of all the voices is James Earl Jones as Mufasa, the whole time I was waiting for him to say "Luke, I am your father". I mean who casts Darth Vader as a voice in a Disney film? The next was Rowan Atkinson as Mufasa's advisor Zazu, a very odd choice for a mostly American cast. And of course, the villain of the piece had to be English didn't he? Jeremy Irons seemed to relish his role as Scar, and did a wonderful job, but again, he has a very recognisable voice. *Okay, now you're safe to read on.*

Aside from playing spot the voice actor I just found the film to be a little on the boring side. Knowing that Elton John wrote the songs for the film I was also a bit disappointed that there weren't that many songs in it. I'd expected there to be lots more. And finally, I don't think the 3D really added anything. Even my friends who were fans of the film said the same. 

Having said all that, I think if you're already a fan, it will be nice to see on the big screen again. If you haven't seen it, try to keep your expectations low. And if you don't like it, well then why are you reading this? 6 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 8th October 2011

UK Release Date - 7th October 2011

Cast Overview:

(If you don't want to know, don't scroll down!)

Young Simba ~ Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Adult Simba ~ Matthew Broderick

Young Nala ~ Niketa Calame

Adult Nala ~ Moira Kelly

Mufasa ~ James Earl Jones

Timon ~ Nathan Lane

Pumbaa ~ Ernie Sabella

Scar ~ Jeremy Irons

 Zazu ~ Rowan Atkinson

Shenzi ~ Whoopi Goldberg

Director(s) ~ Roger Allers and Rob Minkoff

Writer(s) ~ Irene Mecchi, Jonathan Roberts and Linda Woolverton (Screenplay),

Brenda Chapman (Story Supervisor),

Burny Mattison, Barry Johnson, Lorna Cook, Thom Enriquez, Andy Gaskill, Gary Trousdale, Jim Capobianco, Kevin Harkey, Jorgen Klubien, Chris Sanders, Tom Sito, Larry Leker, Joe Ranft, Rick Maki, Ed Gombert, Francis Glebas and Mark Kausler (Story),

J.T. Allen, George Scribner, Miguel Tejada-Flores, Jenny Tripp, Bob Tzudiker, Christopher Vogler, Kirk Wise and Noni White (Additional Story Material).

Drive

http://drive.mgfilm.hr/

After the poor response I had to the supposedly excellent Crazy, Stupid, Love, my expectations on Drive went down somewhat. I still wanted to see it but I decided to try and reel in my excitement surrounding the film's potential until I'd seen it.

So along I went with the founding member of my Ryan Gosling appreciation society to see Drive. The story centers on a man (Ryan Gosling - you never find out his characters name) who does stunt driving for films. He also works as a mechanic and does some getaway driving on the side. He meets a girl, Irene (Carey Mulligan), who has a young son and a husband who's in prison. When the husband, Standard (Oscar Isaac), is released it puts paid to the driver and Irene's budding romance but the husband soon finds himself in trouble with local gangsters who he owes a debt to from his time in prison. The driver, having feelings for Standard's wife, wants to help him out of his tight spot and agrees to help him pull off one last job, robbing a pawn shop, to ensure his family's safety. 

I was hooked on Drive from the super stylish opening sequence where the driver does a getaway job for two local robbers. It was a tense opener with very little dialogue but it was executed to perfection and set the tone for the rest of the film.

Despite being the main character, the driver not only has no name, he also has very few lines in the film, with most of his feelings being played out through looks in the rear view mirror. Having said that the performances of Gosling and all of the other actors involved are faultless. The film is so grounded by the characters that when it does turn violent it's all the more shocking. 

The direction is slick and stylish but the film has a retro feel about it that stems from the music and the neon style font used in the opening and closing credits. Somehow these elements work really well together and I'm sure I'm not the only one who will come away from the film with the songs still in my head. The classical music used in the elevator scene (as seen in the trailer) is also very haunting and fits the scene perfectly.

Probably one which a lot of people won't see, but definitely one they should. 9 out of 10. 

Viewing Date - 6th October 2011

UK Release Date - 23rd September 2011

Cast Overview:

Ryan Gosling ~ Driver

Carey Mulligan ~ Irene

Bryan Cranston ~ Shannon

Albert Brooks ~ Bernie Rose

Oscar Isaac ~ Standard

Christina Hendricks ~ Blanche

Ron Perlman ~ Nino

Director ~ Nicholas Winding Refn

Writer(s) ~ Hossein Amini (Screenplay) and James Sallis (Book)

What's Your Number

http://www.whatsyournumbermovie.com/main.php

Last month seemed to be the month of average comedies. Loads were released, Friends With Benefits, The Change-Up, 30 Minutes Or Less, I Don't Know How She Does It and Crazy, Stupid, Love, to name but a few. And while I saw What's Your Number this month, it's release date was last month. Not a good sign.

Along I went anyway with my cinema buddy to see the story of Ally (Anna Faris), a woman who reads an article in Marie Claire that states that any woman who has slept with 20 or more men will struggle to find a husband. As Ally's just dumped her number 19 she's reluctant to date anyone new until she's sure he's the one. After a chance encounter with one of her ex's who definitely got better with age, Ally ropes her ridiculously hot neighbour from across the hall, Colin (Chris Evans), into tracking down her ex's in the vain hope that one of them will be the one she should've stuck with. 

One very unbelievable cheesy line at the end aside, I actually really enjoyed What's Your Number. It was a lot funnier than The Change-Up, I Don't Know How She Does It and Crazy, Stupid, Love put together, thanks largely to an animated penis. I will say no more but look out for it if you see the film. It still has me laughing now when I think about it. It's also a very sweet natured film and quite a true reflection of how young women pin a lot of faith on magazine articles.

Anna Faris and Chris Evans not only had good chemistry but their friendship was well played and believable. I just wish they'd left out the cheesy line at the end which had me rolling my eyes. The ex's were also a delight to behold with particularly funny turns from Chris Pratt, the always watchable Zachary Quinto, Martin Freeman and Andy Samberg.

This was above-average of the average comedies from last month and is well worth a watch. 8 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 5th October 2011

UK Release Date - 30th September 2011

Cast Overview:

Anna Faris ~ Ally Darling

Chris Evans ~ Colin Shea

Ari Graynor ~ Daisy Darling

Blythe Danner ~ Ava Darling

Ed Begley Jnr ~ Mr Darling

Chris Pratt ~ Disgusting Donald

Zachary Quinto ~ Rick

Martin Freeman ~ Simon

Andy Samberg ~ Gerry Perry

Dave Annable ~ Jake Adams

Director ~ Mark Mylod

Writer(s) ~ Gabrielle Allan (Screenplay), Jennifer Crittenden (Screenplay) and Karyn Bosnak (Novel "20 Times A Lady")

Kitchen Sink Drama

Well it's that time again peeps, short story time! This one has been waiting in my inbox for some time as I don't like to read other people's work when I'm writing. But as I'm not writing anymore (sad face) it meant I could read this and then finally get around to publishing it on the blog.

I hope you enjoy it, it's one of my brother's so we're lucky to have it now that he's got his own blog to populate.

Kitchen Sink Drama

By Mike Lambert

  The powder in the back rooms floated in the air like unwanted magic as the brushes whisked just as much into the atmosphere as it did onto the actresses faces.  The make-up artists worked their craft with a fury, spreading all manner of potions and concoctions across the faces of the assorted talent so they would look “normal” in front of the cameras and under the fiery halogens that fried as much as it lit.  Their wardrobes had already been selected, both their characters and mood for the scene at hand. They knew their lines well having rehearsed the previous week and needed no prompting for what they had to say.  The only thing left to the actors was the interpretation, how they read the scene, but Letitia, Tradisha and Brett had been here so many times before that they all knew just how the game was played and how to make the cameras do their bidding ...mostly.

  “Hello, Angels.  How are we all today?” asked Antoine, the Director, mincing his way into the room.

  “Fine,” “Hi,” replied the girls as they managed to fake a smile while still keeping their heads completely still.  Brett ignored Antoine and instead chose to work on his glower while the make-up women moved seductively round him.

  “Okay, people.  Now we are doing episode 3, scene 24 today, okay?” asked Antoine, although it wasn’t really a question.  Antoine wiggled off to today’s set and began barking orders, getting marks laid on the floor so the actors knew where to stand and lighting crew knew how to light the scene.  The start time of today’s scene was 10am and so the crew had been on set from 7am to prepare.  The actor’s turned up an hour later and the uncalm nature of the set became even less calm as Antoine started shouting even more fiercely than he had before.  Eventually however, at around 10:20am a hush came upon the set and that seemed to act as a silent acknowledgement that the first shot of the day was about to take place.

  “Okay, places, people,” whispered Antoine as loudly as he could while Letitia and Brett stood patiently on their marks. “And ACTION!”

LETITIA:  SO, BRETT.  THIS BOY’S HOLIDAY YOU’RE GOING ON ...WHO ELSE IS GOING?

BRETT:  (WHILE PACKING HIS CASE) JUST ME AND THE GUYS.  THAT’S ALL, BABE.

LETITIA:  WHO ELSE IS GOING, BABE?

BRETT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  (BRETT BEGINS TO LOOK SHIFTY)

LETITIA:  THAT BITCH, TRADISHA IS GOING, ISN’T SHE BRETT?

BRETT:  LETITIA, HONEY, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

(DOOR OPENS.  TRADISHA ENTERS)

TRADISHA:  WHO YOU CALLING A SLUT, YOU F****** SLUT?”

LETITIA:  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GETTING YOUR HANDS ON MY MAN YOU CAN THINK AGAIN YOU F****** B****!

TRADISHA:  HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE LIKE, B****!  YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO HIM!

LETITIA:  YOU F******, C******, B****!  I’LL F****** KILL YOU!

(THE TWO GIRLS BEGIN TO FIGHT AND SCREAM WHILE YANKING THE HELL OUT OF EACH OTHER’S HAIR)

  “And CUT!” shouted Antoine.

   “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” said Letitia, wincing in pain.  “Your rings are caught in my extensions, babe.”

  “Oh I’m sorry, Hon,” said Tradisha as she carefully removed her fingers from Letitia’s hair.  “You okay, Sweet?”

  “Fine,” said Letitia as she straightened up and fluffed her hair out.  Letitia and Tradisha began to chat while Brett merely looked in the mirror and admired his naked torso.

 “Okay, okay, very good,” Antoine began, whilst not raising his eye’s from today’s script.  “Brett, darling, you were divine ...ladies you fell out of shot during the fight so we’ll need to go again.”

  Both women could not hide their looks of disappointment knowing the most potentially painful part of their scene had to be re-shot.

  “Also ladies remember, Tradisha has to be seen to winning the fight first, and then, Letitia, you come back and win, okay?” asked Antoine with a wink.  The make-up women came back on set to add more blusher and lacquer down the hair again whilst the crew tested the light levels.

  “God, I hate working on TV,” said Letitia as everyone fussed around her, attempting to do 15 minutes work in 30 seconds.

  “At least you don’t have to kiss Brett today,” said Tradisha with a smirk.  They both looked back at the “hunk” as he flexed himself in front of a full length wall mirror.

  “God, look at the state of him,” Letitia whispered.  “He looks like they selotaped some pumpkins, mangoes and satsuma’s into a man shape and then sprayed it with even more orange fake tan!”

  “Ha-ha-ha!” chuckled Tradisha with her hand over her mouth.  “It’s even worse kissing him you know.  He’s so Mister body-beautiful that all he eats is Tuna, and his breath ...stinks!”

  “I know.  I left some tic-tacs in his room one time.  He came on set and said he’d got them for ME as a gift!” replied Letitia.

  “Cheeky shit!” said Tradisha.

  “Do you know he’s gay?” asked Letitia.

  “Brett?  No!” replied Tradisha, before being shushed by Letitia.

  “Uh-Huh!  Apparently that’s why he’s Antoine’s favourite because he and Brett are...” said Letitia raising her eyebrows.

  “You serious?” said Tradisha.

  “Mmmm,” replied Letitia.  “They also like to play Priest and Choirboy together.  But that isn’t the worst of it here.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Tradisha.

  “Well, you know the Producer, Greg?” asked Letitia, but even before Tradisha started to nod she had carried on talking. “Well it’s got out that outside of here the Producer is one of those execs that attends certain special adult baby clubs, shitting in nappies and having his arse wiped and stuff.  Yeah, someone saw footage of this on his phone and so that’s why he doesn’t show his face round here anymore.  He’s gay too!”

  “When were you gonna tell me all this?” whispered Tradisha.

  “Well, to be honest it completely went out of mind,” said Letitia.

  “Jesus, Letitia, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this.  When did you find all this out?” demanded Tradisha.

  “Only before.  I found out from the make-up woman,” said Letitia.

  “Really?” asked Tradisha.

  “Honest,” said Letitia.  “Okay?”

  “Okay,” replied Tradisha, uncertainly, before turning back to look at Antoine fawning over the shirtless, Brett.  “Dirty bastards!”

  “Yeah.  Just glad I like girls really,” said Letitia.

  “Not as glad as I am!” giggled Tradisha, mischievously.  They both smiled secretively at each other as Antoine screamed positions and they went back to their initial marks.

  “And ACTION!” 

  The rest of the day passed with one scene after another, commentaries, bloopers and DVD extras all being filmed for the UNCUT release that would eventually litter shelves of charity shops across the country.  Afterwards all Letitia wanted to do was get the grease off her face, slip into her PJ’s and drink red wine while watching “Casualty” but that lifestyle was no longer her choice, instead she hustled over to E4 to be interviewed by some gormless music journalist.  Yet more make-up was plastered on and she was squeezed into an even more ridiculous, supposedly-glamourous outfit.

  “So, Letitia,” began Froydon Ratchet, with a come-on grin that she wanted to punch off his face.  “You’re in the hit reality TV show “Sex In Man City”.  What do you think is the key to its success?”

  “I think it’s because it’s just so real,” replied Letitia, her fake triangular smile flashing perfectly.

Fin