Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

http://www.transformersmovie.com/

I realise that this review is going to reveal me as being a somewhat non-committal movie star harlot but I have yet another actor type crush to reveal. Not satisfied with Jake, Bradley and Ryan I also have to add Shia to the mix.

And like Jake, I have met him too. Well, sort of whacked him actually. And he was lovely about it. So don't believe everything you read about famous people coz they're not all lousy!

Anyway, enough of that and on with the film. As a Shia fan you might have guessed that I was quite looking forward to Transformers 3. I also rather like the Autobots (although my friend didn't believe me when I told her that was why I owned the first film on DVD, "you like it because of the ROBOTS?" she'd asked me, trying to wangle out of me the real reason I had the film).

The third (and part of me hopes the final) installment of the Transformer Trilogy opens with the "real" reason that the American's rushed to be the first to go to the moon in the 60's. The film tells us that this was because a ship from the Transformers home world, Cybertron, which contained revolutionary technology, crash landed on the moon and the American's wanted to be the first to find out what it was. Since then, the Decepticons have been to the "Dark of the Moon" of the film's title and taken the items from the crashed ship, which turn out to be a teleportation device. It's only then that the dopey Decepticons discover that the device can only be operated by the ship's pilot, the former Autobot leader Sentinel Prime, who is still marooned on the moon. The Autobots go on a mission to retrieve Sentinel and re-gain the stolen items from the Decepticons.

Although I said that part of me hopes this will be the last Transformers film, I should point out that my reason for this is that this would be a really good note to end on. At least for a while. It's a vast improvement on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen which was too long and a big, overblown mess. This is a shorter film for one, the action set pieces don't feel like they take over too much, it has a decent, not-too-complicated plot, and unlike the last film, this time when the Transformers die, they stay dead. Which I have to say was very upsetting for me as one of my favourites dies in this film. But I won't spoil it by saying who.

My only criticism would be that the ending is quite cheesy and abrupt, whereas the last two films felt like they had a good 5 minutes where they wrapped everything up nicely, this one just sort of, ends! 

Not even the addition of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who I expected to find annoying, spoiled it for me (although her lips are faintly ridiculous!). 

Enjoyable and action packed. More movies like this would mean a good start to the summer. 8 out of 10. 

Viewing Date - 29th June 2011

UK Release Date - 29th June 2011

Cast Overview:

Shia LaBeouf ~ Sam Witwicky

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley ~ Carly

Josh Duhamel ~ Lennox

John Turturro ~ Simmons

Tyrese Gibson ~ Epps

Patrick Dempsey ~ Dylan

Frances McDormand ~ Mearing

John Malkovich ~ Bruce Brazos

Kevin Dunn ~ Ron Witwicky

Julie White ~ Judy Witwicky

Alan Tudyk ~ Dutch

Ken Jeong ~ Jerry Wang

Director ~ Michael Bay

Writer ~ Ehren Kruger

Wherever, Whatever, Have A Nice Day

I don't really know where to start this one as I hadn't planned to write it. At all. I was talking to my brother this evening and he asked me about my writing, more specifically when I was going to write a personal blog. It's funny because my reviews have a broad audience and my viewing figures for those are going through the roof at the moment. But my personal blogs (the ones written by me that are about something and nothing) are only read by a handful of people. And yet those people are constantly asking me to write more of them.


I'm not even sure why? To me, my thoughts and feelings are distinctly average. And the people who ask for more personal blogs are people who know me quite well. I can't understand what there could be about my ramblings that these people find so infinitely entertaining.


And yet here I am writing a personal blog. And not because it was requested either, just because I felt like I wanted to.


I was sitting watching My Own Private Idaho. Kinda like this post it was unintentional. I put it on because I wanted to see the bike that Keanu Reeves' character Scott rides around on. And I just ended up sitting and watching it. And then I thought maybe I should write a blog entry about River. 

But then I thought I'd probably have to start at the beginning. And that's quite a commitment to a blog post at this time of night. But you guys asked and now you're gonna get it. Big time.

I think we should start with Star Trek, because that's really where this story began. My brother got me into Star Trek The Next Generation (or TNG if you're a Trekkie - which I openly admit I am!) when I was...I'm gonna say 11 or 12. Being that age I had the obvious crush on Wesley played by Wil Wheaton. Now anyone who knows me will tell you that when I commit to a crush, I go all out. Posters, books, magazines and most importantly I obtain EVERYTHING they've EVER done! So with Wil, one of my first purchases was Stand By Me.

Now as much as I love sweet Gordie (even to this day Stand By Me remains one of my all time favourite movies and I now follow Wil Wheaton on Twitter), I couldn't fail to notice his slightly tougher and equally hot friend Chris played by River Phoenix (remember I was the same age as they were so it's not as creepy as it sounds). Committing to my crush as only I can, I obtained everything River had done. And as he was already past the point of making new movies that wasn't a great deal. 

As I discovered River so late in his career there came a point when I had to learn of his death. And I won't lie, for a pre-teen girl with a silly crush on a movie star, it hit me bloody hard. I devoured every book about him, scoured charity shops and car boot sales for people selling old magazines that might contain articles from when he was alive. I got a copy of every one of his movies. The unlucky number for River being 13. He starred in 13 feature films before he died of a drug overdose at the tender age of 23. 

Like I said, for such a silly little girl with a stupid crush it hit me a lot harder than it should have. River's death broke my heart. If emo had been a term when I was 12, I'd have encompassed it fully during my River mourning period. I cried. A lot. Wore black. A lot. Listened to emotional music. A lot. 

And to this day it upsets me if people I know and love, take drugs. Like, REALLY upsets me. I can't explain it to them. I just have a fear I guess, of seeing them lying on a pavement, convulsing, choking on their own vomit. Dying. And no amount of "well it's only a pill" or "I only do coke every now and then" will EVER make those thoughts go away. I will never understand why they risk their life for a night of feeling free or feeling confident. And I will NEVER do it myself. 

So I suppose I'm thankful to River, for making me the kind of person who will always be 'boring' and 'stuck up', because I'd rather be that and alive, than where he is right now. 

I want to end on a slightly cheerier note - apologies, I didn't intend for this to be a depressing post - by asking a question. Annie Proulx's Brokeback Mountain was published in 1997. Six years after My Own Private Idaho was released. Do you think the campfire scene in Idaho provided her with some of her inspiration?

Night folks. Thanks for reading.

Bridesmaids

http://www.bridesmaidsmovie.com/

I have to admit that when I saw the trailer for Bridesmaids, I just wasn't entirely sure I'd like it. It seemed like it could go one of two ways. It might be funny or it might be attempting to be the female version of 'The Hangover'. And after the disappointing sequel to that movie, I wasn't sure I could sit through what would undoubtedly be worse than that, a wannabe 'Hangover' for girls.

Before I tell you whether it turned out to be yet another cinematic let down or whether it turned out to be a pleasant surprise, I'm going to throw the bouquet over to the synopsis.

Bridesmaids tells the story of Annie (Kristen Wiig), who has just been asked by her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph), to be the Maid of Honour at her wedding. Despite Annie's own life being less than perfect, she agrees to be Maid of Honour and takes on the huge list of responsibilities that go with it. This involves things like planning the bachelorette party and bridal shower. A daunting task for anyone, but as Annie has to compete with Lillian's perfect new friend Helen (Rose Byrne) things soon go from bad to worse.

The good news is that the writers have actually managed to put a fun spin on all of the more serious overtones in the movie and managed to create a genuine, funny film with lots of heart. Guys, come back! It's not a chick flick by any stretch of the imagination!

Speaking of guys, the Hangover crew could learn a thing or two from these leery ladies. I am happy to report that I really, properly, laughed out loud several times during Bridesmaids. Something I would struggle to say about the rest of this years so called 'comedies'.

I will admit that it does take a little time for Bridesmaids to hit it's stride. There are two early scenes which will either work for you or they won't. For me they didn't entirely work, but it didn't spoil the overall experience, and once the film got going I found it got funnier and funnier. And the more I connected with the characters the more emotionally tied in I was, and before I knew it there were tears as well as laughter. 

Kristen Wiig is one talented lady as she not only stars in Bridesmaids, she also co-wrote it. So while I can't say she was well cast (as I'm pretty sure she wrote the part for herself) I can say that she is great in this role. Annie could easily be a despicable character with no redeeming features, but Wiig portrays her humanity as well as her humour, brilliantly. Meaning you don't hate her for the bad things she does, you just feel her pain. Kudos also goes out to the casting of Chris O'Dowd as Annie's cop friend Rhodes. I would never have pegged O'Dowd as being able to portray a somewhat sexy leading man but he pulls it off perfectly. 

They are the two shining stars of a faultless cast who have outdone themselves in the comedy stakes, creating a film with heart as well as a funny bone. 8 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 22nd June 2011

UK Release Date - 24th June 2011

Cast Overview:

Kristen Wiig ~ Annie Walker

Maya Rudolph ~ Lillian Donovan

Rose Byrne ~ Helen Harris

Melissa McCarthy ~ Megan

Wendi McLendon-Covey ~ Rita

Ellie Kemper ~ Becca

Chris O'Dowd ~ Officer Nathan Rhodes

Jill Clayburgh ~ Annie's Mother

Jon Hamm ~ Ted

Rebel Wilson ~ Brynn

Matt Lucas ~ Gil

Director ~ Paul Feig

Writer(s) ~ Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo

Bad Teacher

http://www.areyouabadteacher.com/

After my two week hiatus of having no new films to review I have now been to the cinema three times in four days. I anticipated that my first review - Green Lantern - would be the hardest to write, as I hadn't written a review for two weeks and was out of practice. Strangely I found that one easy, and have struggled to write this one instead.

It's not because Bad Teacher is a bad film either. But in some ways I guess it's easier to write a review for a bad film as there tends to be more to say.

With that in mind I'll go straight into the synopsis of Bad Teacher. Which, as you might have guessed, is a story about a bad teacher. Who'd have thought it? The bad teacher in question is Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) who is only working as a teacher until she can find a rich man to take care of her. Enter substitute teacher Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake) who's family business just happens to be Jaeger LeCoultre watches (not really though!). Elizabeth decides that Scott is the man for her, but after seeing a photo of his big breasted ex girlfriend she comes to the conclusion that in order to snare him she is going to need an enhanced figure. So she starts saving for a boob job. And what's the best way to make money? Have your students score highly on their end of year test! Meaning Elizabeth is going to have to pull up her teaching socks and start cracking that cane.

I think the reason I struggled so much with this review is that there isn't an awful lot to say about Bad Teacher. It's an average sort of film, good cast and comes with a few titters (excuse the pun). But that's about it. It's not really laugh out loud funny, unless you happen to see it with the audience I did who kept clapping - just the one clap though - at various un-clap-worthy moments, or who kept laughing 30 seconds after the joke or whooping for no apparent reason. Then it's hilarious! Nor is it majorly gross out or slapstick. It's just an average comedy. Nothing to avoid or that you'd regret seeing, just not life changing.

If you like Cameron or are interested in seeing how Justin fares as a geek then I'm sure you'll enjoy Bad Teacher. And even if you don't there are enough comedy moments for you too. Just don't expect anything too amazing and you may be awarded with a gold star. 7 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 20th June 2011

UK Release Date - 17th June 2011

Cast Overview:

Cameron Diaz ~ Elizabeth Halsey

Justin Timberlake ~ Scott Delacorte

Jason Segel ~ Russell Gettis

Lucy Punch ~ Amy Squirrel

Phyllis Smith ~ Lynn Davies

John Michael Higgins ~ Principle Wally Snur

Director ~ Jake Kasdan

Writer(s) ~ Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg

Green Lantern

http://greenlanternmovie.warnerbros.com/

I can barely believe that it's been two weeks since my last review. I'd love to say it's all my fault because my other writing is taking precedence over my blogging, but in truth it's because there has been NOTHING new out at Cineworld in two whole weeks (unless you count Kung Fu Panda 2). After the disaster that was Kung Fu Panda (I won't go into it unless you want me to) plus the reverse recommendations from people who'd seen Kung Fu Panda 2, I decided it was probably best to avoid it.

Which meant a very long wait for this weekend when Green Lantern and Bad Teacher came out. I have now seen both films and will start with Green Lantern which I saw yesterday.

Green Lantern is based on a DC comic of the same name. Now, my comic book aficionado friends will no doubt want to bludgeon me with their comic books for this, but I will never-the-less confess that until the film was in production I'd never actually heard of Green Lantern. If you suffer the same lack of comic knowledge allow me to give you a brief run down of the plot.

Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is an irresponsible and reckless pilot who crashes his very expensive new plane when some daddy issues cause him to lose control during a test flight. Simultaneously we see an alien (who we later learn is one of the 'Green Lanterns' of the title) facing off against another alien who absorbs peoples fear and grows larger from it. Following the fight - well it's not really a fight, the Green Lantern just sort of runs away - the Green Lantern, Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison - aka Jango Fett from Star Wars!), is fatally wounded and crash lands on earth. He tells his ring to go and seek out the next Lantern to take his place. The ring finds Hal and et voila Hal becomes the next Green Lantern.

Allow me if you will, to compare one comic book movie to another very different comic book movie. Earlier this year saw the release of Thor, a comic book film which again, I knew nothing about. Whereas Thor brilliantly set up the background of all the characters, giving them all space to shine, it also managed to fit in an exciting plot and a whole story set on three different planets.

I know Green Lantern is a whole different kettle of fish, for one, it's DC rather than Marvel, but essentially it's trying to do the same thing. Teach us about a comic book character that hasn't been brought to the big screen before, show us some flashy special effects, create an emotional tie to the characters and make us want to see more of them.

Where Thor succeeded spectacularly Green Lantern fails. In every possible way. Don't get me wrong, Ryan Reynolds tries, he really does, to make Hal likable. He uses his usual mix of comedy and being ridiculously buff to get us on side. But the film is so incredibly dull that he just can't save it. The special effects are some of the worst I've seen since 2012's plane tried to take off in a dodgy CG dust cloud. At points it looks as if Ryan's head is just floating in mid air on top of his CGI body. It's just so painfully obvious CGI that it's kind of insulting. Isn't CGI supposed to have reached a point where everything looks real? 

I really do hate to compare, but for example, the Bifrost bridge in Thor was gorgeous. And looked like it was there. Whereas the aliens in this, did not look real for one moment. Should I even mention the laughable villain with the enlarged brain? One of my friends commented on the similarity between him and the wheelchair bound inbred of 'The Hills Have Eyes' and I have to say the likeness is uncanny!

My final thought would be that if you want to see Ryan Reynolds looking buff go and rent Blade Trinity. And if you want to watch a good comic book movie, well you'll just have to wait for Thor to come out on DVD. The disappointment of June continues - 6 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 19th June 2011

UK Release Date - 17th June 2011

Cast Overview:

Ryan Reynolds ~ Hal Jordan / Green Lantern

Blake Lively ~ Carol Ferris

Peter Sarsgaard ~ Hector Hammond

Mark Strong ~ Sinestro

Temuera Morrison ~ Abin Sur 

Director ~ Martin Campbell

Writer(s) ~ Greg Berlanti (Screenplay and Screen Story), Michael Green (Screenplay and Screen Story), Marc Guggenheim (Screenplay and Screen Story) and Michael Goldenberg (Screenplay)

X-Men: First Class

http://www.x-menfirstclassmovie.com/

One of my friends recently speculated that all of the films he was looking forward to seeing at the end of May/beginning of June would be underwhelming. Sadly, after seeing the three films he mentioned - Pirates 4, Hangover 2 and this - I have to confirm that his suspicions were correct. 

I will delve right into the synopsis and that way anyone who just wants to know what I thought can skip to the juicy stuff at the end. Though a word of warning, there are spoilers in my critique so beware if you're going straight to the bottom of the page.

X-Men: First Class is set in the mid 60's, a long time before the events of X-Men, X2 or X-Men: The Last Stand. As such, the characters featured in those movies are younger in this film (and therefore now played by different, younger actors) and leading very different lives. Some of the characters haven't yet had their lives intertwined with people or events we already know about.

So what's going on with this bunch then? Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender), who we will later know as Magneto, witnesses the murder of his mother just so his nasty German captor Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) can see what his mutant powers are capable of. This sets him on a path of revenge. It's during his first attempt to even the score with Shaw that he meets young Professor Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and the two join forces with the CIA to stop Shaw before he starts WW3. Their allies include Raven (Jennifer Lawrence) who we'll later come to know as Mistique and a whole bunch of mutants we've never met before. And so follows a tug of war between the bad guys and the good guys until the final showdown.

I think this has been one of the hardest films for me to judge because there was lots that I liked about it, and in equal measure, lots I really didn't like.

Lets start with what I liked about it; I liked the backstories (for the most part) of the established characters, and the introduction of characters not formerly shown in previous X-Men movies, Sebastian Shaw, Moira MacTaggert, Emma Frost, Banshee, Riptide, Azazel, Angel and Darwin. I loved the casting of Jennifer Lawrence as Raven/Mistique, I cannot gush enough over how perfect I thought she was. I similarly loved seeing Nicholas Hoult in this movie but I should point out that this was more because it was great to see him in a big movie rather than because I thought he was well cast.

I thought for the most part that the cast was excellent. However, I did not feel that they were particularly suited to their roles. The two leads in particular, McAvoy and Fassbender, are both great actors, but neither should have been cast in their respective roles. See, the beauty in casting Jennifer Lawrence as Raven is that you can very easily imagine her becoming the character later (or earlier?) portrayed by Rebecca Romijn. You cannot however, picture either McAvoy or Fassbender becoming Patrick Stewart or Ian McKellan. Herein lies the problem as you don't ever really believe they are those characters.

My other problems with First Class lie in the backstory. I know I said I liked the backstories, and I did, to a certain extent. What I didn't like was how they manipulated facts or timeline that had already been established.

*Spoiler Alert*

In previous X-Men films it was established that Erik and Charles were bestest oldest buds before they became enemies yes? Well, in the First class re-write it turns out Erik and Charles barely knew each other a few months (if that) before Erik cripples Charles and becomes Magneto. Sound right? Mmm...

In the same way that Charles and Erik's friendship seems to have been manipulated to fit the story, the writers have also created a long standing, very close friendship between Charles and Raven. Now I'm sorry but if Charles and Raven had been as close as is indicated in this film, wouldn't that have come up at some point in the other movies? How betrayed he felt that she left him for Erik? How he missed her etc? No, okay then, lets move on. 

*Here endeth the Spoiler Alert*

Finally, how is it that we see Emma Frost as a young girl at the end of X-Men Origins: Wolverine (at the same time we see an older Patrick Stewart version of Professor X) and yet in X-Men: First Class which is obviously set before these events, Emma Frost is much older? Riddle me that First Class scriptwriters!

So all in all I was disappointed, not so much by the movie but by how little regard it had for the previous films? Maybe it's just because I'm not an expert on the comics but I'm going to be interested to see what my Marvel expert friends have to say about this installment of the X-Men films. 6.5 out of 10.

Viewing Date - 2nd June 2011

UK Release Date - 1st June 2011

Cast Overview:

James McAvoy ~ Charles Xavier

Michael Fassbender ~ Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto

Kevin Bacon ~ Sebastian Shaw

Rose Byrne ~ Moira MacTaggert

Jennifer Lawrence ~ Raven/Mystique

January Jones ~ Emma Frost

Nicholas Hoult ~ Hank McCoy/Beast

Caleb Landry Jones ~ Sean Cassidy/Banshee

Alex Gonzalez ~ Janos Quested/Riptide

Jason Flemyng ~ Azazel

Zoe Kravitz ~ Angel Salvadore

Edi Gathegi ~ Armando Munoz/Darwin

Lucas Till ~ Alex Summers/Havoc

Oliver Platt ~ Man in Black Suit

Director ~ Matthew Vaughn

Writer(s) ~ Ashley Miller (Screenplay), Zack Stentz (Screenplay), Jane Goldman (Screenplay), Matthew Vaughn (Screenplay), Sheldon Turner (Story) and Bryan Singer (Story)

Black Night

My brother's recent guest blog was such a success (thank you!) that he has asked me if I would mind posting another of his short stories. Of course I don't mind at all, as he's a very good writer and I'm proud to be related to him. 

However, my readers may be upset to know this might be the last short story of his that is featured on my blog as he now has his very own brand spanking new blog: http://tinyurl.com/62dz43w

So we bid a fond farewell to Mr Michael Lambert from my blog, and at the same time we say an excited 'Hello' to his blog, which will feature new stories and pearls of wisdom that only his warped brain would think up. I'm allowed to say that coz I'm his sister.

I hope you enjoy his latest - and possibly last - Lady K offering...

Black Night


By Michael Lambert

  As spring warmed the land, winter faded from the memory like recollections of an illness once normal health had resumed.  Longer evenings blessed warmth and sunlight on the days and a once uninviting landscape had been replaced, by a welcoming climate and gamey hospitality to tempt all-comers to take to the streets.  On those streets wandered Michael Howarth and his girlfriend Ellen enjoying the new sensation of freedom from the oppression of winter months.  They could already feel the potential promise that summer was already starting to bring.  

  They were at what was arguably the sweet spot of any burgeoning relationship, which was the four month stage; the time when the excitement is still running through you, making you giddy every day, but long enough to feel safe within the confines of said relationship; although you’re learning new things all the time you also know enough to feel comfortable with each other.

  Ellen held on to Michael’s arm tight and he looked down at her head pressing firmly against his shoulder, her brown ringlets cascading sexily over his shirt.  Just the feeling of her head rubbing against him was making him aroused.  Michael smiled involuntarily. 

  “You look gorgeous tonight,” Michael said to Ellen, feeling her smile before he saw it.

  “You’re just saying that,” she replied.

  “Yeah, because it’s true,” responded Michael, falling for the trap of repeating the compliment so she could hear it again.  In reality women usually got twice as many compliments as men as they always pretend-argued to have it repeated. It was a subtle trick that most men still hadn’t picked up on.  Besides, Michael still had one eye on getting some tonight.  Until he appeared.

  He seemed to come from nowhere...in reality he came from the traffic lights at the junction between Streatham Road and Dorchester street, a black knight that wouldn’t have looked out of place 6 centuries ago.  The stallion was 20 hands high (and trust me, it was a stallion!) but unlike most beasts of that height this was no shire horse.  It had the muscularity of a race horse but everything about it was amplified.  The huge rider on its back caused it no trouble as it strode majestically through the city street.  The horses black coat seemed to repel light, the only trace at all was around its outline, the rest of it showed nothing, but you could almost feel it in the air, where each muscle and sinew was pulling and pushing effortlessly.  As it turned to face Michael it snorted, sounding almost like a growl.

  “What the fuck,” muttered Michael under his breath.  The horse neighed and shimmied it’s head clearly indicating directionality to the immense rider on it’s back.  The rider was covered in a black armour that shined about as well as his horse repelled light, every surface seeming to pick up and reflect every street, car, office window and the last remaining embers of sunlight and exaggerate them.  On his head was an equally resplendent helmet with a slit across the front that presumably was were it’s owner was looking out, straight at Michael.  The knight leant forward continuing to look at him in an eery silence.

  “WE MEET AGAIN, MICHAEL!” yelled the knight.

  “You know this guy?” asked Ellen, fear evident in her voice.

  “Did we go to school together?” asked Michael attempting to try and place the figure.

  “GIVE ME THE TREASURE, MICHAEL!” the knight shouted.

  “What treasure?” asked Ellen, half-scared, half-thinking he’d been holding out on her.

  “I don’t have any treasure,” said Michael.

  “GIVE ME THE TREASURE, MICHAEL!” the knight continued.  “GIVE ME THE TREASURE OR DIE.”

  At that the knight stretched his left arm behind him and unsheathed a sword at least four and a half feet long.  The horse snorted aggressively at Michael again.  Michael tried desperately to rack his mind for the answer as to what treasure the knight was referring to but he had no idea.  Michael was only a computer tech from Bury.  He had no inkling or desire to find treasure and after seeing the knight brandishing his sword at him he had even less inkling than before.  

  “I don’t have any treasure,” Michael stammered.

  “LIES!” screamed the knight, and as he did his horse reared up, it’s front legs pounding the air fiercely in front of it.  Michael turned to Ellen.  Whatever was happening it was not looking good for him, but if he only lived for another few minutes the least he could do was protect her.

  “Ellen, run!” said Michael turning her to face him to make sure the instruction was understood.  Ellen just nodded and ran.  Michael turned back to the knight whose horse had now regained it’s hoofing.  As Ellen darted down a backstreet full of smoking waiters and vents from steaming kitchens, Michael darted in the opposite direction searching out an alleyway with sufficient obstacles as to slow down the gargantuan animal.

  “Shit, shit shit!” spat Michael as he ran through a narrow alleyway zigzagging through a maze of plastic bins containing a mixture of recycling and refuse.  He allowed himself the quick luxury of a look back and saw the knight and the horse stop as it reached the mouth of the alleyway.  Michael allowed his run to slow as the knight halted for a second, the knight then geed up the horse and headed through the alley leaping over the bins, hurtling them in all directions, as the thought of the treasure bypassed any consideration for safety.

  “GIVE ME MY TREASURE, MICHAEL!” the knight fumed as he and his horse made short shrift of the flimsy plastic obstacles.  

  “Why do these things alway happen to me?’ asked Michael as he ran across the street searching out a place where the horse could not go, each alley he went down the horse stopped briefly but then stepped it up a gear down the straight.  Every time he heard the horse’s hooves get closer his heart felt like it was about to burst through his chest, it was then that he noticed it...the suspension bridge. 

  The bridge was designed so two people could pass across it but the weight and power of the horse would make it impossible for the horse to travel across it.  Michael pushed himself to the limit, his legs feeling like they were filling with lead but somehow he had to keep going.  He was fifteen feet away.

  CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK!

  Ten feet away.

  CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK!

  Five feet away.

  CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK, CLA-CLACK

  He made it.  Behind him, Michael heard the horse’s hooves screech to a halt against the pavement.  Michael breathed a sigh of relief.  There was no way that the horse could make it across such a narrow bridge without risk of falling into the river below. And there was no way that the horse and rider would get out if they fell in.  Michael allowed himself to go from a balls-hard sprint to a light jog as now the need for speed had definitely diminished.  

  CLER-CLANK!

  Michael stopped at the hard metal sound behind him.  There, off his horse and sword in hand, stood the black knight.  Sword outstretched pointing directly at Michael.  Michael shook his head.  This all felt like some cosmic nightmare but he knew it was not a dream.  The knight, six foot five in his black lacquered metal suit began to jog, then to a canter and finally to a sprint towards Michael.  Michael turned and ran.  He didn’t know where he knew the knight from or how, but he didn’t care.  All he wanted was to get away.  He ran over the bridge past startled pedestrians who looked like they offered no support, only sympathy.  None of them would stop the black knight.  Would you?  

  “THE TREASURE, MICHAEL!  THE TREASURE!” the knight yelled again.  Michael darted over Lancaster Road and headed back into the city centre, he had to lose the knight through a combination of knowledge of the centre and awkwardness of terrain.  He was going to lose the knight through the car park, jump from the third floor, onto the elevated walkway and jump down on the split level roofs down to ground level, it was his only chance.

  He ran through the town square and up the main road to the multi-story car park above the bus station.  The fast paced clanking behind him showing no signs of abating.  “This guy’s got muscles like Captain America!” thought Michael as his own breath started to come in shorter bursts.  He ran across the bus lanes and into the station making the steps in seconds, but only after three flights of stairs he heard the same door fling open and that merciless pounding of metal on concrete.  Michael pushed his body as far as it would go.  The third floor beckoned, and Michael dived through the door and onto the ledge.

  In his mind the drop didn’t seem so bad, till he looked at how thin the walkway was and that he would probably fall and break his legs, hips and spine if he missed.  

  “Still, probably hurt less than a sword through the guts,” he countered as he closed his eyes for a second, then jumped!

  His legs connected solidly with the walkway and he rolled like they do in the movies, unfortunately he’d not taken time to take his surroundings into account and rolled straight off the walkway.  

  “AAAAGGHHH!” Michael screamed before his backside hit the first roof that he had hoped to land on.  “Oh!” he said, as he realised he was still intact but merely bruised.  Michael jumped to the next roof and the next before jumping and hitting terra firma.  He turned and could see the knight looking out still from the third level.  Maybe the knight didn’t fancy his chances, maybe he didn’t want to jump, in reality Michael cared little why he was still standing there, merely feeling relief that he was.  Michael turned to head for home and then out of town but then...

  In front of him was the black knight’s stallion.  Holding Michael with his stare.

  CLER-CLANK!

  Michael moved to head down the street to freedom, but the horse darted in front of him and snorted into his face.  

  CLER-CLANK!

  The horse moved closer to Michael and butted him over with his nose

  CLER-CLANK!

  Finally as Michael made a move to get up the horse held him down with it’s left hoof.

  CLER-CLANK!

  “SO, MICHAEL,” began the knight.  “THE CHASE IS OVER!  GIVE ME THE TREASURE AND I WILL SPARE YOUR LIFE.  DENY ME ONCE MORE AND YOU WILL DIE!”

  “I don’t have any treasure, I swear.  I...I don’t know what you’re talking about!” stammered Michael nervously.

  “IF YOU WILL NOT HELP ME, THEN YOU WILL DIE, MICHAEL BANNERMAN!” screamed the knight.

  “Michael Bannerman?” repeated Michael.  “I’m not Michael Bannerman.  I’m Michael Howarth!”

  “A WELL THOUGHT RUSE, MR BANNERMAN, BUT I AM NO FOOL!” shouted the knight as he drew his sword back.

  “What do you mean a ruse?” asked Ellen as she appeared, out of breath, at the street Michael was trying to escape down.  “Michael’s name is Michael Howarth!”

  The knight removed his helmet, revealing a crop of black wavy hair and beard almost as dark as his horse.  Down his left eye ran a scar that had destroyed the pigment in one eye.  He took a closer look at Michael, holding his face in his hand.  Studying every bone structure, every hair, every blemish and every ounce of skin.

  “MMMM, WELL THIS IS AWKWARD!” began the knight.  “YOU ARE NOT MICHAEL BANNERMAN!”

  Michael let out a sigh of relief as Ellen flung her arms around him.  The knight re-sheathed his sword and scratched his beard.

  “ERM ...SORRY ABOUT THAT!’ said the knight.  “YOU REALLY LOOK A LOT LIKE HIM!”

  “I’m always getting mistaken for other people,” replied Michael.  “I tell you if I did have a pound for every time this had happened I would have some treasure.”

  The knight laughed a hearty laugh as Ellen and Michael joined in.  The tension that their chase had built up finally cracking in that moment.

  “OH DEAR.  SO DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY PLANS FOR TONIGHT?” asked the knight.

  “Well...” began Michael, when a young couple turned the corner.  The man was wearing a green jacket, just like Michael’s, his hair was similar, but slightly lighter in colour; his green eyes were a touch closer together and he was half an inch taller.  Michael and the doppelganger-ish pointed at each other.

  “You’re Michael Bannerman?” asked Michael as he looked at the slightly warped mirror version.

  “You’re Michael Howarth?” said the other Michael as he held onto a woman who looked just like Ellen, but with red hair.  “Wow!  You look just like me!”

  “MICHAEL BANNERMAN!” yelled the knight.  “GIVE ME MY TREASURE!” 

  “Eeep!” said Michael Bannerman as he ran off down Letcherman Street.  The knight, flung himself onto the horse and headed after him.

Fin.


Final word from Michael: 


Well dear reader, I know what you’re thinking now.

  “Tis but fiction”,  “No two people could look so alike in face and be of the same name!” I hear you cry.  But this story is based on a truth!

  I too was once stopped, not by a knight, but by two women who knew of a fellow Michael whose look, manner and voice were all a perfect match to myself.  They were as close to me as you are to this computer screen yet could see no difference in the looks of me or my same named doppelganger!  So beware dear readers your double is most definitely out there . . . In fact they may be more like you than you dare imagine!