Friday, 23 June 2017

Wonder Woman and Transformers: The Last Knight

I wasn’t going to write a review for Wonder Woman. It came out weeks ago, and since then lots of people have reviewed it in much more eloquent terms than I am able. However, I do have things to say, and after seeing the latest Transformers movie last night (haha - the last knight, last night) I felt it was about time I stopped hiding behind other people’s opinions and once again voiced my own. 

Wonder Woman first as that’s the older of the two films…

So much was riding on it. As a woman who is a fan of the superhero genre I know more than most how important this film was. And how important it was that it be good. 

Between Marvel and DC I’d certainly say that Marvel has had more success of late when it comes to the movie side of the business. DC’s films on the other hand have wavered for years. Batman has seen some great successes and some epic failures. In my opinion Man of Steel was a big steaming pile of shite, and Batman Vs Superman’s only saving grace was the introduction of Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman - Diana Prince. 

The buzz for her own movie soon overtook the mumbles about how shoddy BvS was and even put Suicide Squad in the shade.

After all of that anticipation I’m sad to say I didn’t love it. However, much like the female Ghostbusters movie, I can still see it’s value in terms of finally giving us a female lead superhero movie. 

And I want to state off the bat that my underwhelming response to Wonder Woman had nothing to do with Gal Gadot who I thought was perfectly cast as Diana, nor did it have anything to do with the opening sequences on Themyscira which were glorious. 

In all honestly I just thought it was too similar to Captain America: The First Avenger. Once we got out of Themyscira she took on a secret identity, brought a bunch of drunk rapscallions together in a pub to go on a dangerous mission to the front lines of the first world war, lost someone she loved, defeated the bad guy and ended up in the present day looking exactly the same as she did 70 years ago.

I’ve seen that movie. I liked that movie. But I’ve definitely seen it. 

As such, and as much as I hate to say this, I was a little bored by Wonder Woman.

Now, before you all lynch me, I’ve read the excerpts of the Joss Whedon Wonder Woman script and I know that everyone involved in the film, as well as the audience of millions around the world who made Wonder Woman a box office smash, dodged a massive bullet there. Wonder Woman deflected it nicely off her indestructible bracelets if you will.

I’m not saying that the movie was bad. I’m just saying it’s not the Wonder Woman story I’d have chosen to tell. 

But am I glad it was made? Yes. Am I glad it was directed by a woman? Of course I am. Will I go and see another Wonder Woman movie. Bet your god damn ass I will. 

The cast was fantastic. The costumes were divine. The sets spectacular. Everything was right with this film except the storyline, and that’s only in my one opinion. I am still so glad that the movie was made, that it has done brilliantly at the box office, and I genuinely hope it paves the way for more female superhero movies, more female directors and writers, and just more women in general. Doing what we do best*.

*For anyone in doubt, what women do best is showing men how it should be done.

That leads me perfectly into Transformers: The Last Knight. AKA men doing everything wrong yet again. 

I have two questions for you. 1) how does Michael Bay keep getting funding to make movies? 2) why does Hollywood keep hiring Akiva fucking Goldsman?

This has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And that’s saying something when the above review mentioned Man of Steel. 

I can honestly say that there is nothing I like about this film. Not a single god dammed thing. 

So shall we talk about what I didn’t like? Get comfy: 

The overly sexualised 14 year old. Did she need to be pouty and crying in EVERY scene? Did she need to be running in slow motion in a low cut vest top? She is supposed to be 14 remember.  What’s worse is that I don’t know why any actress, especially knowing the sexism that Megan Fox endured on the first and second Transformers movies, would read the script for this and think yes, that is a film I want to do. Jesus girls, aim way fucking higher if only for your own self worth. 

Excusing my language there that is another gripe I have. The unnecessary amount of language in the movie. It serves no purpose whatsoever to have a sweary robot butler. In fact the robot butler in general served no purpose and I honestly have no idea why it was ever included, let alone why it made the final cut of the movie. 

It’s too long, like all of the Transformers movies before it. By the time it got to the point I’d already taken my time going for a pee because I knew I wasn’t going to miss anything. And I didn’t. The plot’s culmination was obvious from the outset and so full of holes you could have played golf on it. Add in the return of Agent Simmons, a character who was annoying in the first movie, a bunch of great actors who are totally wasted, and a sub-plot involving a woman who must be the scourge of existence because she doesn’t have a man (spoiler alert - she does by the end of the movie wink wink); and there you have the whole sorry mess that is The Last Knight. I can only hope it is the last Transformers movie too.

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