I wasn't sure how I was walking, my whole body was convulsing with shakes. If it weren't for Sam supporting my arm and propelling us both forward I was sure I'd be sitting on the floor rocking back and forth in a puddle of my own pee. We were through the door now and I could see him. He was wearing a suit. I wasn't expecting that, I thought he'd be dressed more casually. He turned around when he heard us enter the small studio room and a beautiful smile broke across his face. That perfectly rugged face. Don't pass out, don't pass out.
I wasn't aware of Sam letting go of me, I seemed to be floating towards him now. He held his right hand out to me as I approached the desk he'd been sitting at.
"Hi, you must be Kath, Sam's told me all about you." He gestured towards the second empty seat at the desk.
"Oh god." I whispered, not thinking she'd said anything bad, just trying to process the fact that he was speaking to me. I didn't think he'd heard.
"It was all good I promise." He chuckled, and the sound reverberated through me. I was grateful of the chair.
I was aware I was still holding his hand. "I'm sorry!" I said as I let go.
"Don't be. It's all good mama."
Oh god!!! He called me Mama. Did he? Or did my brain just make that up? I tried to be more human and less like a weird, unspeaking, shaking and sweaty mess. I thought I might be sick.
I swallowed and tried to think of something intelligent to say.
"Can I shake your hand?" Is what tumbled out of my mouth instead.
"Sure." He held out his right hand which confused me. He could obviously tell as he followed that with "I shake with the right, left shakes just throw people."
An entirely filthy image entered my mind then and I grabbed that hand and held onto it for much longer than I should have. I wasn't really shaking it either, just sort of stroking it with my thumb and trying to force myself to remember what it felt like, the weight of it, the smoothness in parts and callousness in others.
"Shall we take the picture or do you need another minute with my hand?" He chuckled again and had the filthiest grin on his face. He knew exactly what he'd said.
I looked over at Sam sitting behind another desk. She was trying not to laugh.
I reluctantly let him go. "I'm good. Lead the way."
We stood up from the desk and made our way to the backdrop. I was so grateful to Sam for arranging this private shoot for me.
"Do you have a specific pose in mind?" He asked, stopping on the marked position on the floor and turning to face me.
"Just hold me."
"You got it mama." He opened his arms and I stepped forward into my moment of bliss.
I didn't get a 'mama' on the day but ironically Sam did. Maybe next time I'll get one too. Oh, and the calloused hand from the dream? Not at all in real life. His hand was smooth as silk. And very warm.